Monday, 3 June 2019

The Failure

Situational Joke | Up Yours Life

The Failure



Just in case anyone is reading this blog and wondering, I am absolutely fine about being a complete failure in life. *Bites clenched fist and winces* Thoroughly fine. All this means is I'm going to have to poem my way out of my sad life, cos, you know, that's just what us grown-ups do now. 

So, thanks for everything, Eminem, but maybe it's time to hang up your coat, I think I can take it from here …

Eminem: 'Did someone say poetry battle?'

Me: 'Absolutely not.'

Eminem: 'I totally heard that.'

Me: *Presses toe of flip-flop into ground* 'Honestly, Eminem, I really didn't want to be the one to say this, but you're kinda leaving me no choice. The thing is, you're at risk of embarrassing yourself again and …'

*Microphone appears in both our hands*

*Suddenly we're stood on stage in a dimly-lit basement nightclub, the crowd is screaming at us*

Eminem: *Places his starter cap on and throws me a lampshade*

Me: *Holds microphone to mouth* 'Oh shit.'

Eminem: *Shouts to crowd in a low voice that scares me* 'Who's ready for a poetry battle?'

*Crowd roar like caged lions as they leap up and down*

*Sweat drips from ceiling*

Me: *Whips out my trusty travel fan and applies some roll-on*

Eminem: *Bounces from left to right and looks at me like I've just deliberately kicked his grandma* *Holds microphone to mouth and begins killer poem*

Me: *Scratches head. I don't understand a word of it*

*Crowd flip their lid, foaming at mouth and cheering*

Me: *Holds microphone to mouth and squints in Eminem's direction* 'Is that all you got, girl?'

*Crowd gasp and whole room plunges into silence*

*A thousand eyes pierce my soul*

Me: 'Wait, just wait a second.' *Holds single finger to crowd, turns head backwards, hunches over slightly and covers eyes with other hand*

My Right Brain: 'Run away immediately.'

My Left Brain: 'Girl—you got this. What about that time you danced for the Queen on your 37th birthday, she loved it, right?'

Me: 'I suppose …'

My Right Brain: 'Daily, it's the Queen's job to love everything. When was the last time you heard her say something was shit?'

Me: *Thinks* 'Em, em …'

My Right Brain: 'Exactly, never, that's why you need to ignore Left Brain. Remember the last time you listened to her, she convinced you monobrows were back in fashion.'

Me: *Feels face*

My Left Brain: 'They still are, shut up Right Brain. So, after you met the Queen you went to the pub, alone, and you turned into a local legend.'

Me: 'Ooh, ooh, everyone wanted to dance with me.'

My Left Brain: 'Yes, that's it, you little cutie you, aww, you looked so cute in your mo—'

My Right Brain: 'Don't even bloody think about it, Daily. You will never be able to take this back if you …'

Me: *Suddenly I'm dressed in a traditional morris dancer outfit with tassels and bells strapped to my legs* *I leap around to face the crowd, landing like John Wayne, my feet slamming into the stage* *I reach as high as I possibly can and angrily smash two sticks together above my head repeatedly* *I tip my head to one side and turn to face Eminem* 'Hi, my name is, what? My name is, who? My name is, chka-chka it's Daily.'

Eminem: *Stands very, very still and says nothing*

Me: *Whips handkerchief out and begins morris dancing like my life depends on it* *Lifts microphone to mouth and begins killer poem as I dip and caper around the stage* 'There once was a British woman called Daily, who looked like she could play the ukulele, but she couldn't, it turned out, so she let out a pout … *pouts*… because she'd been listening to too much Slim Shady.' *Drops mike and handkerchief at same time*

*Total silence*

Me: *Turns to crowd for backup*

*Nobody moves a muscle*

Me: *Picks microphone back up and blows dust off*

My Left Brain: *In a dark monotone whisper* 'You know what you have to do …'

My Right Brain: *Screaming* 'For fuck's sake Daily, I suppose you're going to have to now, aren't you, you idiot.'

Me: *Removes straw hat, rests it on chest, and stares deeply into Eminem's eyes* 'You wanna lift home, mate?'


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